BTS‘ V celebrated the release of his debut solo album, Layover — which arrived Sept. 8 — with a Monday (Sept. 11) appearance on Suga‘s Suchwita drinking show. While the pair listened to several tracks from the album, the conversation turned serious when V reflected on a rough time in the group that took place during 2018.

“When I think of Taehyung, the year 2018 comes to mind so much, during our ‘Fake love’ promotions,” Suga said, to which V replied, “It was the toughest time in my life.”

A clip from BTS’ award acceptance at the 2018 MAMA Awards speech played in an aside, which saw V telling the audience, “Even if I die and come back alive, what doesn’t change is that ARMY is such a precious gift to me.”

Suga explained that after the members saw how exhausted V was, it led the group to wonder about how tired they also were. V’s source of stress, however, came from feeling insecure about his performance abilities compared to his group members’.

“I started to compare myself to others. ‘Because my pace is slower than the members and my thoughts are a bit different … is that why I’m more burned out?’ I thought this a lot,” V explained. “Whenever I looked at our members when we perform, [I thought,] ‘The members are so perfect and they enjoy the stage. But why am I the only one like this?’ So relatively, my burnout was severe.”

Despite gaining international attention and getting invited to perform at the Billboard Music Awards and the American Music Awards for the first time in 2018, the accolades were not enough for the group to feel good about their lack of rest, and according to V, his exhaustion came to a head as BTS prepared for the release of “Fake Love.”

“I was so exhausted that I asked, ‘Since tomorrow we only have dance practice, would it be OK if we took a day off?’ But we were preparing for our comeback and it was an important dance practice, so we couldn’t rest. … All this negativity piled up inside me,” he recalled. “I didn’t think I could do anything in that state, so I kept thinking of ways I could rest, but I couldn’t think of anything, so I even thought I should get hurt [‘If I get hurt, would I be able to rest?’]. I thought I should get hurt, but now I want to change that me of the past.”

Though Suga noted that 2018 felt like a “life and death situation” for BTS, ARMY can rest easy knowing those days are behind the group. “They’re gone now!” V assured Suga.

Watch V’s episode of Suchwita above.

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